Where was I at the beginning of this all?

I was depressed, anxious, had not long come off a feeding tube, was still learning to eat, couldn’t drive and was stuck in the (albeit beautiful) middle of nowhere.

The lost feeling came from my suppression of my creativity, although I didn’t realise that. I was still painting, drawing, sewing, knitting and illustrating. But I was doing it without confidence, without fervour and without trust. I had once been a confident art director, that people came to for vision and advice, and the fall from grace felt like I had fallen right into the scorching core of the earth. It was a rough time.

This course was a ladder, that went straight back up. But in a different and more fulfilling direction than the one I had been in pre illness. It’s given me a confidence in myself that went beyond ‘people think I’m good’ and into ‘I think I’m good’. I’ve learnt skills that back up what I’ve wanted to think of myself and proved to myself that I am worthy of the confidence.

I have been scared, this whole time, I will admit. Worried I don’t belong here, what are people thinking of me, am I being taken seriously. Am I a fraud. It’s been a space to feel these feelings without consequence, to question them, to battle them and to ultimately understand that they are funny little voices that I can live with and love.

The biggest change I have found in myself is the materiality of my practice, the understanding of materials and confidence to choose what I think works for any given project. No longer do I feel like I am confused by medium, but able to realise the concepts that I want to express. Experimenting and exploring with acrylics, oils, charcoal, inks and pastels on different surfaces has meant that when I’m at a stage to decide how best to execute my idea I now am confident in what material and medium will fit when and where. I no longer feel like a conceptual creative and have evolved one with the practical skills to realise the ideas I have.

I now have a rhythm and ritual to my process, which I explored the importance of in my research paper, it’s inherent to how I navigate the ‘all over the place’ nature of the way my brain works, and also how I tackle the ever lasting issue of a chronic health condition potentially getting in the way of my ability to create. I have a space, a sanctuary, that holds the place that my artwork and ideas come to life. At the beginning of the course I assumed this was a room, a studio, an organised draw of things. But it turned out to be one drawing board sitting on my desk. When I sit infront of that drawing board I create. Whether thats painting, drawing or video ideas. That is the place where my brain knows it is time to make and cease overthinking.

I’ve accepted that I need to create works that have a meaning beyond the self. I spent many months questioning this part of my process and need. Is this just an extension of answering briefs? Do I feel that create ABOUT the self is lesser somehow, do I not want to look at myself? I eventually realised that no, it was not that I was avoiding something. But that I find expressing certain issues or ideas in the world is what is important to me. I like to take concepts and explore and express them, bring them into reality.

My interest in digital and technology grew from my own need to pull myself away from digital mediums myself, and my intrigue in why I had been so captivated by their immediacy in the first place. Which then turned into research, collaboration with the co founder of an AI company, someone who I still speak to regularly, who has suggested we collaborate on a project together in the near future.

My art has become research aswell as artwork. And I love where that sits.

My central theme has become the scrolls, relating to the way we now consume media vertically, reptitively and endlessly. This format has given me a framework to express freely within it’s confines. I have the process down. I know how to create each part from cutting and prepping canvas, to the sewing of the painting at the end.

I want my work to create conversation, to perhaps have people question how they view these technologies themselves and their own behaviours with them. I’m really lucky to already have had that happen. At the beginning of the course I was able to ideate and execute to a level I wasn’t happy with. At the end of the course I am more aware of my own skill levels in certain areas, such as knitting and sewing, and utlising these skills within my practice. I have also taken time to improve my skills in areas like drawing and painting, learning more techniques with the Royal Drawing School and continue to improve over time. I have also been re studying art history in a more academic way with The National Gallery, helping to inform my practice and how I view my work in context.

I am now applying for a PHD, a few residencies, art competitions, open exhibitions, looking at collaborating with General Reasoning the AI research Company and I am applying to do the Online Drawing Development year in 2027 to continue to learn and improve my output as an artist.

My aim after graduation is to continue to create the scrolls and develop other areas of observational drawing, video works and perhaps soundworks. Knowing I have a solid process in place makes me confident I can do this.