Towards the end of the writing process, a week before hand in, I began to panic. Thoughts of failure flooded in after a pretty smooth journey up until that point.

‘I’ve got it all wrong and I didn’t realise’

‘I don’t know what I’m doing, why am I even trying’

I cried and I sobbed at my partner that I shouldn’t even be doing this

A familiar pre deadline panic, one I have, many times felt deep in my bones and known the outcome is always a positive one. Despite this, my body does not want to calm down.

My usual response would be to panic more for a few days, hide, talk repetitively at whoever would listen, trying to convince them that I am a failure as they comfort me. But after writing this paper, my response was different. I cried for around half an hour and then came up with a solution. For the next week, whilst I tidied up my paper and added finishing touches, I would engage in a repetitive ritual to really put my theory into practice.

I would type, and as soon as I felt those thoughts creeping in, I would move from my laptop and to the paper. Repeating letters, each one the amount that was in my paper currently.

Immediately the thoughts shut off and I would become engaged in the process, calming my mind, the imposter syndrome thoughts and physical panic would melt away. Once this had happened, I would return to my paper and then repeat as soon as worry re emerged.

I managed to focus on tasks with a lot more clarity, ease and attention, tasks that involved data and checking. Tasks that I have struggled with since I can remember. The loops didn’t loop and I broke the cycle with repetitive mark making.

Below are the artworks in progress which will be submitted along with my research paper.

Ink on acid free Southbank paper 310gsm