I finally went to the Central Saint Martins building. When visiting friends I decided to take a trip to the campus to see the library and have a wonder around the workshops. I was planning on joining in one of the print workshops but upon realising it was closed in the afternoon I made the most of the UAL library instead. I’m currently blogging from one of the computers.

I’m overwhelmed by the amount I have access to, I I’m realising just how starved of access to creative outlets I have been over the past four years whilst I’ve been unwell. I’ve made the most of what I’ve had, writing, painting and illustrating as much as possible. But all of a sudden now I have these resources and that spark that goes off inside me has come back. The tremor, it’s hard to explain but it’s like an energy force that only turns up when I’m inspired. It’s the energy of potential.

I plan over the coming weeks to not only create in my studio but also plan projects to execute in a week that I come down to London. Financially those of my current goals, saving to be able to get down to London and utilize all of the workshops I now have access to. It would be a crying shame not to do so.

I’ve also come to realise that there are works that I have created that I have not even uploaded onto my blog. Wanting to hide, being too nervous to show my creations despite the fact that’s the whole point of this course and the blog itself. There are other aspects in my life that I’m starting to see the effect being cut off from the world has had on me. Social anxiety, driving anxiety. A general feeling that I need to be submissive to everyone around me because I have been in a position of vulnerability and at times, without the help of others would have been at a physical loss completely.

Now I’m coming across that interesting point where that kind of submission is not needed, yet it’s still there. That fear of being loud, of showing all sides of myself. Of having a seat at the table and knowing I deserve to be there. It was my main strength as an Art Director. Knowing that my voice mattered and now I’m having to actively transition out of the meekness of ill health and back into the confidence of knowing.

Being in the building has helped me to see that. Helped me to see that I have so much potential at my finger tips now. That every day can be about trying, failing and succeeding and that it’s no longer dangerous to push myself like it was a few years ago.

When I get back home I’m going to begin planning every project I have, research and finding the real focus that I want to have over the next two years. I think to ignore the experiences I’ve had over the last few years would be tragic. I almost need to use them to make them worthwhile. The fall from grace, the suddenly being incapable, the having to rely on everybody around me.

Alot of art has come from tragedy and ill health.

I was reading a book that I randomly picked up in the library yesterday called ‘Spirituality and corporate social responsibility’ which I absolutely adored. Discussing the separation of corporate life and spiritual life and the effect that has on individuals. The fact that it is up to us alone to find the meaning in life and that discussing or exploring that in a corporate setting is frowned upon meaning those things become something that we do in separation. Meaning the very thing that gives life meaning, connection, isn’t present whilst we are trying to find these answers.

There was also a mention of the story of Buddha, that Buddhas father was told that Buddha would either be a king or a saint and in order to avoid him becoming a saint buddha tried to protect him from illness, old age and death. But even so Buddha still became drawn to finding the meaning of life. As we all do. Illness, old age and death just happen to be fast track portals to figuring those things out.

I remember having a very strong view of spirituality and religion as a child, ‘the opium of the people’. Believing that it was there to numb us and distract us from the realities but now I think of it in a much different sense. That we are in pain because of separation from each other and that spirituality joins us together. The opium is the truth.

The book also had me reflecting on the separation of private life from the corporate world and the shame I have felt when having to deal with very real health issue whilst at work and not being able to be honest about what was happening. Having to cover it up, pretend it wasn’t there, or even not being allowed to work because it was cause too much disruption/ work would be worried it would be a liability.

The time a creative director told me he didn’t want to ‘hear about my lady problems’ even though my health had nothing to do with my gender and I was just explaining that I had had to go to an appointment. This dismissal, this needing to hide all the time breeds shame. Me, as I am, with my differences are not welcomed into the corporate creative world, I have to role play somebody else. And whilst most have to do this to some degree, when your norm is to be in pain, to need to disappear randomly or not being able to eat and drink like others its very very hard to hide. You end up hiding most of yourself and learning that you are not acceptable.

I feel like creating work around this separation of meaning and work or separation of self and work is an interesting subject to research and creating my work around. To be honest I think its killing us all whether physically or spiritually.